to run away is to be a coward
by a beautiful catastrophe
Summary: I turn around, and he's like a replica of James with Lily's emerald green eyes. I can't take this anymore. James, Prongs, mate, you left me.


**coward:**

**a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.**

* * *

To run away is to be a coward, my Uncle Alphard told me.

But does running away for good, not evil make you a coward? I guess I'll never find out, Uncle Alphard died a month ago and asking Prongs a question like that wouldn't get me anywhere – he wouldn't take me seriously in the slightest. To ask Lily a question like that would be as much use as talking to a pebble. I'm not sure what Moony would say if I asked him, and honestly, I don't really want to find out, Moony has enough things on his plate already.

I ran away from my family so I could hang out with my three best mates.

Loyalty runs deeper than blood, they say.

Does this make me a coward?

_I don't know._

* * *

**denial:**

**The action of declaring something to be untrue.**

* * *

He's not dead.

Regulus isn't dead. He can't be. Somebody tell me this is a joke, I won't believe it! He's not stupid, he's intelligent; oh for god's sake, of course he isn't stupid! He's a Slytherin and of course wizards and witches sorted into Slytherin are intelligent!

There's this voice that keeps on telling me to get over it; move on, but I…can't.

Then it hits me. I realize he really is dead, and it's all my fault.

If I had endured that horrible life I used to have at Grimmauld Place, there would have been a slightly greater chance that Regulus wouldn't have handed himself over to the death eaters and…..died. It's my fault that he died. I know it is. And fate was the one that made it this way.

I always knew fate had it in for me. And because of my decision, someone suffered. Someone had to pay the price.

and that someone was my brother.

I promise I'll never forget you. Even in the future where I'll probably say I didn't care about you, I'll have you know:

Reggie, you were my brother.

_You are my brother, you always will be my brother, and I love you._

* * *

**betray:**

**To be false or disloyal to.**

* * *

A trip to the Potters' house, finally.

I walk closer to the house in the distance. It looks the same as last time, except for….why the hell is the old pillar with vines winding around it broken in half on the ground?

I walk faster. And faster.

Then I break into a sprint and run.

The fidelius charm. Of course. It would mean the house dies with Lily and James, they must be in danger now.

I finally reach the house and look up.

_Everything is haywire._

The windows are smashed, there's a gaping hole in the left wall as if someone had blasted it using their wand and then a thought so horrible it couldn't be true hits me, Peter revealed the location to Voldemort and killed Prongs and Lily. No.

And that wave of guilt hits again awashing me with guilt, terror and who knows how many emotions I feel.

And this happened because I was a fucking coward. Because I thought I couldn't bear the weight of being a secret keeper so I handed the task over to little Wormy, little innocent Peter who betrayed us. Wormtail who we trusted so much.

I walk in through the hole, no need to enter using the door now.

And then I spot Prongs seemingly motionless on the ground. He looks as if he's sleeping. I walk over to him and wait for him to get up and tell me he pranked me. And I'm ready to respond with; you got me there, Prongs!

_But that never happens._

And I start to cry with remorse like the fucking coward I am. I try to find Lily. I walk up the utterly ruined staircase and into the nursery, and there she is.

Lily splayed across the floor awkwardly, her unmistakable red hair that Prongs loved so much behind her. I don't know what to do apart from cry for her. Lily and I were never close, we got along and-

A wailing noise.

The cry of _James_ and Lily's baby boy. My godson.

Who knows how he survived? Who cares how? I wipe a tear away. All that really matters is that there is a living reminder of James and Lily that the wizarding world will never forget, and that is the Boy Who Lived,

Harry James Potter.

I turn around and he's like a replica of James with Lily's emerald green eyes. _I can't take this anymore._

More tears spill from my eyes. One for Prongs. One for Lily. Another one for Harry. And the list goes on. I sit down on the floor leaning against Harry's crib and I want to die.

I was meant to die, not them.

It's like a living hell down here.

I'm alone.

_James, Prongs, mate, you left me._

* * *

**accusation:**

**A charge or claim that someone has done something illegal or wrong.**

* * *

I swear I didn't kill you Prongs. That's what they're saying. I swear I didn't.

They sentenced me to Azkaban. I'll be going tomorrow.

You were my best mate, Prongs, and you left me alone, out in the cold. Everyone hates me, even Moony, yeah Remus. He loathes me; he can't even look at me anymore. They all think I killed you and Lily.

I'm such a fucking coward.

I'm scared of Azkaban. Remember how we used to joke together about how we would eventually end up in Azkaban for pranking so many people? Well, now I'm under house arrest and going to go to Azkaban.

James. You were too good for me. Why did you accept me as your friend that day on the train? You knew I was a rotten, lying filthy Black unworthy of your trust, yet you still welcomed me into your life. Why? You were the one that changed me. Without you, I would still be that horrible person I used to be. You saved me from everything I feared that would happen to me. You forgave me when I told Snivellus about Moony.

You're such a good person.

Thank you for everything, Prongs. I know this is corny, but I want to tell you that _you were perfect_ (apart from when you were around Lily - you acted so...different - you just weren't the same) and I've never been, never will be _ – honestly, I guess I love you._

Prongs, don't flatter yourself, I meant it in a brotherly way. I bet you're laughing at me, up there.

I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

I miss you.


End file.
